im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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