Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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