you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
