Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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