1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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