Plan B is the new Plan A
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
