So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
