My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
my poor anus
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
did i just pee glitter
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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