She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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