Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
