Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
