if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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