forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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