Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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