Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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