Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
