I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
