we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
