Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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