he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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