My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
