Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
