I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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