i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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