I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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