dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I could make wine with my vomit
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize