I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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