I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
