how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
