I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Is it because I queefed?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
