chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
