my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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