I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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