hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
