He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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