But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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