My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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