I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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