im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
