When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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