im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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