Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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