The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
