Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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