Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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