Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize