I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
