It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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