I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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