it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize