I don't usually arrange sex via text message
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
