Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
