I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
