Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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