my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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