Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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