I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
