I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
