you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
