You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
