just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He passed out mid-signature
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
